How Depression Affects Me.

The Smoke Rings Of My Mind

Depression and mental health in general seem to be a very taboo subject even in this day and age where accessing information and people to chat with is only a click away. 1 in 4 people will experience a metal health condition in any given year, and only quater of those people will actually seek medical advice. The number of people seeking help for mental health issues is increasing every year ad approximately 90% of those people will be treated by their GP’s or by the primary care system. According to the Mental Health foundation, 121499 patients were admitted to mental health wards between 2013 and 2014 which was a 5.8% increase on the previous year. They also state thatin 2013, there were 6233 suicides in the UK alone, 78% of whom were male. The issues are real and they need to be addressed, sooner rather than later. Talking about our issues is what leads us to finding coping mechanisms, and medication or therapy where necessary.

THE SMOKE RINGS OF MY MIND

I am a long term sufferer with Depression, and Anxiety which to most people is something that I should be able to easily overcome, and phrases like “ pull yourself together”, “just get on with it”, and my favourite, “ stop wallowing” still ring in my ears from the past. Sadly it is not possible to do any of these things, when the Black Dog descends and the shroud that invades my consciousness engulfs me.

I often wonder if Bob Dylan was referring to Depression when he wrote Tambourine Man :

“Take me disappearing, through the smoke rings of my mind,

Down the foggy ruins of time,…..”

So what does depression mean to me?

It’s like a blanket weighing you down, a curtain in front of my eyes, everything is different, it affects everything, how I interact with the world, my family my partner. It slows movement, makes my hands tremble, Im more clumsy than normal, and my coordination is affected, my short term memory is shot to pieces, and I feel I am at war with myself. I jump at every unfamiliar sound, and am irritable and have often had anger issues.

But you can work, can’t you?

I challenge anyone to work effectively with all this going on . I am a health and safety nightmare when I’m in a trough, and when stable, the effort to put on an act for all those who do not recognise the illness and it’s effects is crushing. The exhaustion that the illness brings is indescribable , and is completely overwhelming.

But it’s just being a bit down, surely you can shake it off ?

I will happily invite anyone to walk in my shoes for a day. I sincerely wish everyone could , just for the level of understanding it would bring.

Talking brings understanding too, but nobody wants to talk about it, you lose your friends your life, motivation and “raison d’etre” and ultimately you are a shell of your former self.

People don’t understand the cost of depression , the impact it has , so my cost over 37 years is briefly summarised below :

• 2 Divorces

• 2 bankruptcies

• A very good career

• A successful business

• Time with family

• So many events missed, through anxiety so bad I couldn’t go out

• Friends

• Memories

• Life as most people know it.

So how do I survive the madness?

I have grown to understand how it invades me, to recognise that it is part of me, that this won’t change, and that there is no cure.  CBT , Mindfulness, understanding, love all help me to be stable. Anti depressants often cause more problems than they solve but are very much part of the treatment for the illness. Most of all I have something deep rooted in me that will never give up, a desire to be better, to achieve within the boundaries of the illness, and to live life to the best of my ability. What happens now? I have no idea, what lies ahead but I want to look forward rather than backwards , to see the positive rather than to see the negative, and to use the affirmation “ I am confident and competent” as a Mantra for the future.