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While the saying that “real men don’t rape” is theoretically good and empowering and makes people think twice about doing anything wrong, it’s actually pretty bad for women and men that have been raped to hear this sort of thing.

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There are several reasons why it’s not helpful to say it, but at the same time, it’s good that there are some sort of campaigns out there that try and change things. And making men think about how it’s not ok to take advantage of drunk women is a good first step.

According to everydayfeminism.com, we usually say that real men don’t rape because we’re trying to create a culture that shames rapists. We try to make them feel inferior to “real men.” Essentially, we want them to feel that rape is not part of a “real” masculinity.

The problem with saying that real men don’t rape is that society already has an idea about who “real men” are.

We’re trying to say “Hey, you don’t need to rape to express or prove your masculinity.” But instead, the phrase unintentionally insinuates that men who conform to the dominant masculinity are incapable of rape.

There are many rape myths out there, but one that’s particularly dangerous is the idea that rapists are unknown, strange monsters.

We want to feel comfortable around the people we know, and for that reason, we’re likely to believe that knowing someone means that they’re less likely to assault you. Various sources show that this isn’t the case.

Most victims of sexual assault are likely to know their perpetrator. In the US, it is estimated that about 73% of victims are familiar with their perpetrators.

For this reason, the strong emphasis on “stranger danger” can be incredibly harmful.

Of course, strangers can be dangerous, but we need to acknowledge that rape is committed by the people we know, too – including our colleagues, family members, friends, classmates, romantic/sexual partners, teachers, police officers, and well-respected celebrities and community leaders.

If we overemphasize the idea that rape is committed by strangers, we effectively perpetuate the myth that we can’t be raped by people we know.

We call this myth “The Monster Myth.” The idea behind the Monster Myth is simple: Society believes that rapists are abnormal, strange, weird men, and that men who are “normal” don’t rape. Phrases like “real men don’t rape” inadvertently perpetuate this myth.

This myth is dangerous for two key reasons. Firstly, it means we’re less likely to believe survivors who have been raped by people who fulfill their masculine roles. Secondly, it leads to the further demonization of men who don’t conform to society’s masculine ideals.

I’ve heard so many people doubt the validity of rape accusations based on the perceived character of the rapist. I’m sure you have, too. At the same time, the media seemed to blame the victim, who was drunk at the time of the assault.

The truth is that anybody can rape and be raped, regardless of their character, their gender, or their age.

The phrase “real men don’t rape” insinuates that proper, normal men don’t rape.

If we really want to reduce the incidence of rape while supporting survivors, we need to think critically about anti-rape campaigns. We need to ask ourselves whether our actions and words do more harm than good.