Opinion: Michael Phelps vs. Great White Shark: nonsensical stunt or nail-biting TV?

On Sunday, in the crowning finale of Discovery Channel’s Shark Week, the world’s fastest swimmer, Michael Phelps, was set to race an adult great white shark (name unknown). It was advertised as a potentially life-threatening competition. Man vs. Beast. But was the reality a nail-biting phenomenon or a big humpback’s bellyflop?

Ever since the glory days of CKY, Jackass and Dirty Sanchez, viewers have craved the outlandish stunts of crazed and hilarious individuals. There’s nothing quite like watching someone tying a rope around the ankles of their sleeping friend, before pulling them out of their tent from the back of a car. Nor is there any sight quite so scintillating as Johnny Knoxville riding a jet-ski from a lavish pool over a huge, imposing hedge. Stunts like these have sired generations of aspiring Jackasses, intent on making the most money and having the best time in the dumbest possible way.

Over the years, the stunts have gotten more and more hardcore, until finally you’re sitting down to watch a man called Paul Rosolie, who’s arrived at a point in his career when he wants to don a snake-proof suit (already the safety measures sound tenuous), strap himself with cameras, perform his best pig or deer impression and wait to be eaten by a 20-foot-long anaconda. For those who haven’t seen it, this was the brainchild of the Discovery Channel from a few years back. What they did was they found a fully-grown anaconda and coaxed it into eating Paul. It really was that simple/insane. At first the snake wasn’t too keen on the masochistic, armoured dish they’d prepared for it. Unimpressed, it tried to escape. However, with the show at stake, Paul opted to provoke the snake, at which point it quickly took hold of his helmet and started to constrict him. A few tense moments passed before Paul felt his arm breaking and had to call the crew in to rescue him. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t end well, although at least the snake survived…

What we’ve learnt from many of these stunts is that there’s a fine line between bravery and stupidity. The question of how to differentiate between the two often relies, I think, on motive. Inevitably, we have to ask ourselves: what are we or the performer gaining from this? Are we learning anything from watching an armoured man slowly being constricted by an anaconda?

Perhaps this is the dark side of the Information Age – the price we pay for having so much data available in abundance. And it’s our fault, of course. We all exercise this desultory, inherent need to consume every little scrap of digital chum on offer. That being said though, marketers often do everything they can to take advantage of this weakness. Even respectable outlets, like the Discovery Channel, are guilty of hyping-up the danger factor and plunging their viewers into a torrent of manufactured hysteria. During Shark Week, facts are distorted and cushioned with nuggets of chum, tempting those hordes of ravenous fans who lie in waiting. Then, during seven days of macho voices and bold, capitalised titles, sharks flash their rows of serrated teeth and gratuitous Jaws references abound. All the while, no one bothers to mention that we’re actually way more likely to be killed each year by a deer than a shark. You couldn’t imagine them giving the same slot to Deer Week, could you? Just a fast-paced, orchestral montage of deers inadvertently leaping out in front of vehicles.

Here are some surprising statistics for you:

• Every year, 130 people are killed in the US when deer leap out in front of their cars.
• In the US around half that number are killed by bees after suffering allergic reactions to being stung.
• 30-35 people are killed by our supposed best friend (dogs) in the US.
• While, each year, less than 6 people are killed by sharks worldwide.

You could argue that less people are killed by sharks because, instinctively, we spend less time in their territory. While that’s true, these statistics do shed some light on these horror-hungry shows that paint sharks as sadistic serial killers. These are the same shows that spawned the new generation of Man vs. Beast scenarios, in which humans challenge restricted animals to bizarre and utterly unfair competitions. It might have something to do with our desperate need to prove ourselves physically adequate amongst the other top predators. Unfortunately, as is consistently proven, it seems we owe our place to the less macho reality of us having big brains and being more opportunistic and industrious. Instead of us being, in any way, physically comparable to the elite of our meat-eating company.

Caption: Not so doe-eyed after all…

It’s not the first time we’ve seen a great athlete turned into the subject of an exhibition event. Several months after he won four gold medals in Berlin’s Summer Olympics, Jesse Owens was rushed to Cuba for an exhibition race against a horse called Julio McCaw. Jesse made use of his 40-yard advantage and beat the horse by a few lengths. It was a marketing stunt that quickly undermined the stature of this great athlete, who’d recently stood triumphant, defiantly mounting the podium in the face of a disgusted Adolf Hitler.

 “Those races made me sick,” Jesse said, later in his life. “I felt like a freak.”

More recently, South African winger Brian Habana ‘raced’ the world’s fastest animal – a cheetah. The same race was then repeated by Brazilian Olympic champion, Usain Bolt. Bearing in mind that a cheetah completes the 100-metres with an average time that’s less than 6 seconds, whereas Usain Bolt, who’s the best we’ve got, finishes it in 9.58.

So, what happened with the latest manifestation of these odd Man vs. Beast scenarios? Well, the advertising led us to believe that it would be the world’s fastest swimmer, Michael Phelps, racing a great white shark down a 100-metre course. Even to a sceptic like myself it sounded good! But then, just putting the word man and shark together is always going to draw a crowd.

Sadly the reality wasn’t quite so exhilarating… I could just imagine those excited, tense viewers watching Michael as he stood on the boat, fully clad in neoprene, with his feet crammed into a monofin. Then: no way – Michael has hit the water… he’s under… but wait, what’s that? Suddenly an extra from Deep Blue Sea swoops into view. It’s a fully-grown, CGI shark. It’s travelling at a speed calculated beforehand, with data measured using real great whites. Ah man, not again!

38-seconds later the shark emerged triumphant and we all slapped ourselves for ever having thought that these Man vs Beast stunts would ever lead to anything other than disappointment.

I’m not sure what we were expecting, really? What kind of great white shark would happily wander down a buoyed racetrack. Nevertheless, a fair amount of angry viewers have taken to Twitter to skewer this finned fiasco. For those of you who sat through the hours of intense, breathy build-up, I can only presume it was something of an infuriating anti-climax. Mind you, the shortened version is attached above for all those who haven’t seen it. It was a nonsensical, melodramatic piece of theatre, but as far as clickbait goes this is some pretty tasty chum.

“I’ve raced the fastest swimmers on the planet, said Phelps, “Except for one.”